He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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