the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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