Already got asked if we're dating
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
