we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you had me at cake vodka
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
