Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
