I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
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a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
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Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman