I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my sisters under your porch take her home
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."