The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.