Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can't turn off my feet"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.