I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"