Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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