he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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