Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
