had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
