I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
