Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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