You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
