meet me or not, i'm out of control
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
