he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
