Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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