Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You may now shotgun with the bride
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
