sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
