I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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