she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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