I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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