just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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