I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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