Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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