Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
