she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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