pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
