do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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