Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
