Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
