if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I AM VODKA MAN
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
