im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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