How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I want to fling myself into the sun
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
