Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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