how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
