Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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