my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
