I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
