Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
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Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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