then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
