I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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