pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
