i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
