i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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