I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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