My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
