Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
zippers are such a cool invention
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
