I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
