omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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