Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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