I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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