Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
