oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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