woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
