dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
