He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
