I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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