Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
